During the past weeks I have been silent. I have talked to friends of all sections of the divide. I have looked for ways to be an instrument for change. I am sharing my journey to how I arrived at where I am now; the path I took to get to a place that I can serve, I can be the change, compassion and voice I want to see in the world.
My journey began in shame, for not speaking up and living my White Privilege. I realized I lived in silence about most things around me….including the oppressors in my own life. I was living under the reign of the narcissists that go back to my father. I had to stay silent to stay safe; in the moments when I rose up and spoke my truth, I was meet with abandonment and betrayal. I learned to stay silent. The years of hurt and abuse hardened me.
As a child of 7, at my mother’s funeral, all the adults told me to be strong for my father. It was obvious to the adults he needed support and that was when I recognized one of my spirit animals. In an attempt to distract me and himself no doubt, my father took us the San Diego Wild Animal Park and I saw the rhinos. I felt a pull toward them; I believe I modeled their strength and armor. Add a few more decades of hurt and abuse and I embodied those rhinos in full.
I was living in high alert, and I was sick and tired (literally and figuratively). I became a Rhino. I was seeing the narcissists for who and what they were in my life and I was pissed. The kind heart I was born with, and that my birth mother nurtured, was fully enclosed and suffocating inside an armored Rhino that didn’t take shit from anyone. I got my point across in ways that were effective and with words that could kill. I am not proud of this time. I was suffering and everyone that crossed my path did also to some degree. I was done……nothing brought me pleasure, and I felt empty inside.
However, I wasn’t willing to give up, and I credit that to the Equines. I know they have been by my side since before I was born to keep me alive until my purpose was activated. I began working on me, pulling back the layers of armor and I was thirsty for a way back to me. In 2017 I found The Touched by a Horse Program. It was the answer to what the horses in my life had been doing for me, and a method of coaching that helped my kind heart escape the prison I had put it in. It had been safe, now it was being exposed and the reunion with my old friend was rapture.
I have been trained in a method of Gestalt Coaching that is a powerful way to bring lasting and effective change and transformation to clients. I know; it has transformed me. This has been about my journey to transform, it is laying out my pink bits because I know I am not alone. Whatever has happened to you, whatever you did or said that was hurtful, know you were hurt, and our defenses often hurt others.
I will do something to help in this time. There are so many moving parts and opportunities to help. This is where I stand up and offer the gift I have been given and share it, and talk about it, and have difficult and gut wrenching conversations. It is how I see this world moving forward, one voice at a time.
“I Am Strong Because I’ve Been Weak. I Am Fearless Because I’ve Been Afraid.”